Someone taggged me on Instagram today asking me what goals I have for my running. The truth is, I have none. The truth is, I’m completely burned out.
By my best estimation, I’ve been “in training” for the last 16 months. It seems obvious that I’d beed a break. But pushing through and continuing to pick races to train for has done even more damage. Not only do I not want to race anymore, but I don’t want to run anymore. I enjoy the 30-40 minute recovery runs because that’s the longest distance that feels enjoyable these days. If I do 10-12 miles on the weekend with a friend I’m fine, but I’ve lost the ability to do my long runs solo.
Did I mention I’m signed up for a 10 miler on Sunday?
Did I mention I signed up for my first powerlifting meet yesterday?
Weightlifting has been a welcome break the past few months. I notice I feel similar to when I first started running. Enjoying the progress and the process. The people I’ve met have been incredible and welcoming. They’re sarcastic, funny and eat donuts with wreckless abandon. My people.
Powerlifting has taught me to be more, not less. Own the space I take up, at the gym or anywhere else. You don’t need toapologize for taking up space.
Is it ironic I started Real Running as all these feelings were starting to surface? Or was it my way of throwing myself a life preserver?
A side effect of weight lifting is, for the first time in years, I’m okay with my weight. It’s irrelevant. In fact, I know in order to reach my goals I’ll probably gain weight (muscle) and that’s ok too.
I won’t know my race strategy until I wake up Sunday morning. My heart wants a PR. Proof that I still have it deep inside of me. Proof that all my hard work paid off. But I also want to have fun. After this race I only have one 10k scheduled, and this will likely be the last race of the year for me. I feel a twinge of sadness typing that out, like I’m leaving a part of myself behind, but the truth is, I’m relieved. I’m hoping this break will let me run for fun again, no plan, no expectations.
I’ve spent the last 9 years of my life defining myself as “runner.” It feels strange to outgrow something that you were one so passionate about. I’m hoping that with a little break I can find a balance, and know that I am not defined only by one word.